Bless me Father for I have sinned. It is somewhere about 30 years since my last confession.
Why so long?
I don’t believe in god.
Then why are you here?
For the comfort. And to admit my wrongdoing, to say it out loud.
What is your sin?
You mean my wrongdoing?
We can call it that.
I felt nothing when he died.
Who?
Him.
Okay.
Why did you feel nothing?
Many years had passed and I had been through so much other stuff. I had learned he too might have suffered before I did and I know he suffered after.
How did he die?
Alcohol and prescription drugs. Ruled accidental, misadventure. But he had tried to go there a few times purposely.
His life was filled with pain.
Yes but the pain he caused me consumed my life. It factored into every choice I made, every relationship I screwed up.
What happened?
When?
When he hurt you.
What difference does it make? Three Hail Marys and an Our Father is not going to fix it.
We don’t need to sit in this dark box. We could move outside to the pews.
No, no we can’t. The darkness brings comfort from what I did.
Not feeling anything.
No. Yes. Not feeling anything.
Is there more?
No.
It was kind of my fault.
Who told you that?
The nuns said, the priests said, parents said. They all said girls don’t allow boys to do that.
You let him? How old were you?
I don’t know.
If you were young enough to not know then you did nothing wrong.
I felt nothing when he died.
And you still feel nothing. But that is not your confession. You are confessing you let him do it.
I did. I said no, but he kept at me so I gave in. I did not want him to feel bad. That is kind of nuts, isn’t it.
No, you cared and you were conditioned.
Aren’t you supposed to be telling me I defiled myself?
No.
I was terrified. I didn’t remember that until one night a bong of marijuana brought me back to the time. Though the time lasted several years. I think I might have been around seven until maybe twelve.
Tell me about the journey back.
I thought my roommate was him. He stood in the doorway with the light behind him. Like the other did so long ago. A little later I was back. He came in and sat behind me. When I turned from him it wasn’t him it was the other. I had to keep turning to see who it really was.
That must have been terrifying.
Yes, but I am glad I went there because I had come to terms with what happened in a very academic factual way. I had forgotten the fear. The terrifying moments when it happened or when I knew it was about to happen.
You did nothing wrong and you are not obligated to feel any pain in his passing. You are not obligated to feel anything.
What is my penance?
You have already done it. Go and know it was never your sin.
photo: Francesco Alberti
